You are a survivor

In my post “The story behind the name Luna” I shared a part of my story about domestic abuse. It actually gave me courage to dive deeper into this problem and open up about it here because I think this is a great community to share such stories and help each other. It took me years to speak about the torment my father put me through and I can relate to many children who were abused and today I want to write a little bit about how to deal with abuse after it’s done.

When I was 11,12 years old the problem with my father started solving and it wasn’t over until a few months ago. I haven’t lived with him for years and I last saw him and spoke to him about 5 years ago. That chapter of my life is over now but it still takes me a great amount of strength to close that chapter in my head. My problem was that I identified myself with what he has done to me and I believe that’s the problem of many abused children out there. We develop a bad opinion about ourselves based on what the person who abused us had done to us. We often feel like we aren’t worthy of anything, become introverted, depressed, scared to live the lives we deserve and we can’t step out of our pasts. Going through abuse leaves a strong scar on the one’s personality, sometimes even on our bodies and I will be quite honest and say it’s impossible to hide that scar or erase it so wear it proudly!

Don’t be ashamed of yourself and of who you are and of what you’ve been through. Instead of waking up every morning feeling like you are worth less than others, feeling like you will never reach happiness, wake up and say to yourself “I’ve been through hell and I survived that. World, bring it on because I can handle you!”. Don’t call yourself an abuse victim but rather call yourself a survivor because that’s what you are. Your body and mind were strong enough to handle the weight of abuse and I know how heavy that weight is and you are still here. You are biting and scratching your way through life. You know how to handle difficult situations and your power can never be drained out. Even when depression hits and you feel worn out just repeat those words to yourself.

Who you are depends only on what you want to be so be a survivor, be a warrior and show the world there’s happiness after abuse. Learn how to show your scars to the world and demand respect for them and respect your own past because if it wasn’t for it you wouldn’t be the strong person you are. Even if you feel weak, trust me you’re not. Shift your state of mind and you will turn your life around. Remember: You are a warrior, you are a survivor.

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Meditation

In my latest post Self-doubt and lack of motivation I decided to be open and honest about some problems I’ve been experiencing lately. I decided to face my problems and resolve them as soon as possible because I just can’t stand being like this anymore.

About a year ago when I went through some difficult times I read a book which definitely changed my perspective of life and encouraged me to change my ways. That beloved book is called The Code of the Extraordinary Mind by Vishen Lakhiani. I recommend this book to everyone who wants to change the way they think, their perspective of themselves and the world around them and learn some tricks to reach their full potential.

I came back to that book again but this time it didn’t have the same effect on me but there is something I learned in that book and it’s the importance of meditation. A year ago I was starting to meditate and I was just learning about it for a few months and I remember feeling amazing during that period so I decided to go back to it.

I used Vishen’s guided 6-steps meditation which I find great but also there is another guided meditation that just gets me inspired and puts me in a good mood. The meditation is from a meditation app called Insight Timer (no, this is not an ad) and the meditation is called Connect to Intuition.

This was my first step to getting myself out of my dark place. I’ve started meditating again and it’s been a bit hard because I wasn’t able to focus as well as before but with time and practice I believe I will get good at it again. It does feel great to feel like I’m doing something good for myself though.

I felt very stressed today because I had an exam and when I was walking home from the university it started raining and I didn’t have an umbrella. I was furious at the weather, the sky and everything but a long hot shower, cup of tea and good music made sure my mood was elevated.

Now I need to get started on my assignments so this is all from me today. I honestly hope you like these kind of posts and if you would like to see something different make sure to let me know in the comments below.

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Self-doubt and lack of motivation

As you maybe have noticed from the latest posts I’m not feeling so cheerful and happy. I’ve been actually feeling awful the past few weeks. We all have some periods in which we don’t feel confident and we doubt ourselves so I just decided to gather enough courage to actually write about it.

I have been suffocating in work and studying for the last few months and I experienced some emotional hardship in my private life. All of this really wore me out and the problem is I can’t take a breather, you know, take some time for myself to relax because I live a life in which I can’t stop. I don’t know if you can relate to this. I don’t have a very good financial situation so I have to work and that’s hard for me because I have to attend almost all my lectures. Just to explain a little bit, if I miss too many lectures of a certain class I lose the possibility to take the exam at the end of that class which obligates me to pay to listen to that class again and prolongs my studies for another year which I can’t afford. So, there are no breaks for me and I feel like no matter how much I work that it’s never enough and that I’m stuck in one place, not making any progress at all.

I am always extremely nervous and think I forgot something. Even when I’m resting for an hour before going to bed or after lunch I feel like I should be doing something, like I don’t deserve to just relax, have a cup of tea in silence, watch a TV show or something like that. Besides this, I’ve been having extreme doubts about the career I’ve chosen. I’m studying languages, Spanish and Italian, and no matter how much I enjoy this I can’t help myself but wonder if this is the right way to learn them. I’m really trying to stay positive and grateful that I have the opportunity to study what I love, but I’m so suffocated by the things I have to go through to get my diploma that I started doubting what I love and I started to hate it in a way. I can’t really explain this well. My exams are starting in two weeks and I just can’t find an ounce of strength or motivation to start preparing for them.

All of these problems in my let’s call it professional life combined with some problems and losses I’ve experienced in my personal life are punching me in the face every day for the last few weeks. I’ve entered a state of constant tiredness and, what’s worst of all, numbness. What’s very scary for me is that this state of mind reflected on my health. Things just don’t make me happy like they used to and I don’t really feel motivated. I reread some of my old poems, like for example Fight, and I just got to thinking where did my motivation go and I got scared that I won’t be able to get out of this dark place.

So, this is pretty much what’s been going on lately and I hope I wasn’t too boring in this post. If you can relate or are experiencing something similar I would be very happy if you would contact me on my e-mail luna.theblog@gmail.com or DM me on my Instagram so that we could maybe share our experiences and be each other’s support. I know that I will do my best to gather courage to get out of this mess and I will definitely update you on my progress. If you have any advice or just want to share something, leave me a comment below.

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The Breaking Sound

A wide smile on every single picture, but when you see her in person you claim her bitch face brings an ice cold feeling to your bones. You say she has no feelings, you say there’s a hole in her chest but you don’t really care because that’s not the hole in her body you’re interested in. When you get to know her you find a little trace of light in her eyes and you drain it out until her pupils became night dark.

Every time you kissed her did you hear the breaking sound? Did you hear her reach into her velvet, red insides, breaking a part of her ribs to fill the hole someone left in you? Do ice cold women do that? Did you hear the breaking sound every time you made her believe in your point of view? The sound of her will breaking to fit within your rules, the sound of her bones breaking when she tried to make herself look smaller than you, the sound of her hips breaking every time you made her work on top, the sound of her lips breaking every time she had to fake it to build your ego up.

She lived believing you have four hands: two to keep on her throat suffocating her and two to keep over your ears so you wouldn’t hear the bones in her neck breaking. But here’s the thing about women like her. They get hurt but don’t show it. They run to a corner like a wounded wolf to lick their wounds and the taste of their own blood makes them realize they’ve had enough.

Here’s the thing about women like her who will build up people like you with parts of their own body. They will stick their hand into the ground, take the soil and fill the hole they’ve made on their body trying to fix you. She will disappear into thin air, fade away because for you she was never a person, she was an illusion, she was a low-budget romantic movie you wanted her to be. For you she wasn’t a person.

She will be stronger and you will still be running around, scared of loneliness, weak as a leaf underneath her heel, looking for spread legs to contain and hide your insecurities, you will still think people are your medicine.

The breaking sound is gone and so is she.

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Home

HOME – one’s place of residence ; the social unit formed by a family living together

at home

  • 1:  relaxed and comfortable :  at ease

By Merriam – Webster dictionary this is the definition of home and it is accepted by the society. Even when we hear the word home the things that come to our head are a happy family, warmth, our favorite room of our house, the smell of our favorite dish but the problem is that those pictures fade away and all we’re left with are memories or they were never really there.

What is a home?

For me, it should be a place in which we feel comfortable enough to be ourselves, a place in which we are accepted for everything that we are and where we aren’t afraid to face our biggest fears. A bloodline family is not necessary in this picture and neither is a house.

Home can be everything. A person, a song, a place, a piece of clothing, or just ourselves. When we find ourselves in difficult times or when we feel alone, most of the time we want to go home, to the place in which we feel safe so we might as well make that place ourselves.

It’s nice to have someone to lean on and to talk to but at the end of the day, whether you like it or not, you still live inside your skin. Make it comfortable. Learn to be your own backup, your own warrior, your own savior and that feeling of loneliness will slowly fade away. Everyone should work first on their relationship with themselves and then on their relationship with others.

Realize that your own two hands are strong enough to hold you up and build you up.

If you already want to run back home, run back into yourself. At least this way, your home will never be to far away.

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Sore losers

Don’t be a sore loser in the battle with yourself because that battle is the most important one you will ever lead. Throughout life we lose a lot – family members, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends etc., and every time we lose someone our personality gets divided into two parts.

There is the weak part of us that is grieving and then there is the pretend strong part of us trying to fix the situation as soon as possible and that pretend strong part of us is a sore loser. I’m not the one to put in a good word for people being weak but in situations like this one must let the weakness live in him and control it.

We need to learn how to heal ourselves on our own. For example, the most common loss we experience are breakups. We lose a boyfriend or a girlfriend and, without being aware of it, we lose a part of ourselves with them. Every relationship we are in makes a part of us and the person we are with becomes one part of us. We give them something, we can never get back and once that person leaves that part of us leaves with them and what do we do then? We find another person to fill that void, to be the missing puzzle and that is a sign of us being sore losers.

Jumping from one person to another will only break more parts from you and you won’t only have a few voids, you will be a great emptiness. You will let people come and go , taking parts from you until you end up with nothing.

Facing loss is hard but losing yourself is harder on a longer term.

When you lose someone, you need to admit to yourself that you lost. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you lost and then cry, scream, run, sleep, do anything that will help you accept that fact. Don’t let your weakness and grieve overwhelm you, but let it be there. Letting go and suffering is sometimes the best way to heal yourself and to become stronger. Each day you will get better and that void you feel will start filling itself with memories of the person you lost and you will learn to cherish that loss and all of those nice memories without holding a grudge. You are able to become your own doctor and to patch yourself up.

Don’t use other people to fill your emptiness because they are not building material you can use when you think you need to. Other people have feelings too. Instead of jumping from one relationship to another, from one friendship to another, looking for a person that will love you, learn to love yourself and learn to be your own building material.

Sometimes loneliness is the best way to discover everything you really need. Just take some time off. Read good books, watch good movies, take care of you body, workout, spoil yourself and fall in love with yourself because love from others comes after self-love.

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You can’t be owned

You are a woman. Put a smile on your face, be sweet and kind, show emotions and be a stereotype we need you to be or we will call you insane, we will call you coldhearted and we will make you believe that there is something wrong with you just because you refuse to fall in the line.

We created these standards for you as a woman to live by and we’ve sent him to make you believe you are something to be owned. He will try to brainwash you and rip out every limb of your free will. He will make you believe that the torture you are going through is a life you deserve, he will make you believe that you were born to walk behind him, he will make you believe that it’s necessary for you to live under his fist and he will hide his intentions with a few nice gestures made to make you feel like a queen without knowing that your kingdom is your very special circle of hell. And if you complain and if you try to get out you will be the woman who cried abuse, the woman who cried rape, the woman who just cried and they will make you remember that this is a man’s world.

He will make a shell out of you. He will make you believe the only thing you have to offer is your body and that the only worth you have is between your legs. He will beg you to get down on your knees for him just so that you would be beneath him and look at him as the king on a throne he believes himself to be. If you don’t bow down to his authority he will place your head up against a wall and press on your neck until you feel the air disappearing from your lungs and he will do it just so you would feel the pain he allegedly felt when he realized that he can’t own you. He will make you believe that the pain he’s putting you through is only there to punish you for not loving him, not satisfying his needs, not being the stereotype he wanted you to be. He will break your bones and your will just because he needs a puppet on a string which will dance around him so he wouldn’t feel alone.

When you show no weakness, when you put on a poker face, when you decide to protect your body and soul from hitting the ground and when you walk away he will make you believe that you have a stone instead of a heart just because you were unable to give him what he needs. He will tell you that you have no conscience and he will try to force a feeling of guilt on you just so he could make your mind weaker, put you in shackles and drag you wherever he wants as if you were a display piece.

No matter what he tells you or how much he hurts you just remember this: “Your mind belongs to you and so does your body. There is nothing wrong with you, there is something wrong with him because he is in a fight which only exists in his head and he doesn’t understand he can’t get a revenge based on you not bowing down to his needs. He can pretend to be a king and he can pretend to be strong but he will never be as  strong as a woman that claimed ownership of her life when she was standing in front of a firing squad.”

Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made. Forgive him. Forgive all of them because you don’t need the poison of resentment and hatred in your soul. Let him fire all the shots at you because his ammo will disappear one day and he will be left with that voice in his head screaming: “There was no war to be fought! She is a human being, she is not a toy! The place in which her soul lies is a body, not a boxing bag! You were never her master, you were an oppressor!”

Who is he in reality? Your father, your husband or someone else?

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