To my father

You. You with your bottle and words
sharp like broken glass on the floor
from the glass you threw at me. You.
You with your addiction always thinking
about yourself. I might be your daughter
but the blood in my veins is thinner than water.
Trust me, I wish I could change that red
poison which binds me to you, maybe then
this wound would hurt less.

Did you feel like you had control in your miserable
life every time you would come home drunk
and beat the shit out of me, my mother and my sister?
Did it make you feel good or worthy? Did it mean anything?
Did you ever regret it?

Million questions I’ll never get an answer to because
to this day you deny ever being an abusive monster.
You can deny it but it doesn’t change the fact that
there is a special place in hell reserved for the people
who try to put out the light they brought to the world.

And you still think you’re a king. Well, dear father, kings
protect their heirs and you tried to put yours into the ground.
Kings leave a legacy for their kids and you just took and
broke everything. Left me with nightmares and scars
that still bleed every once in a while.

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Find yourself

That hole you feel between your
hands is starting to burn a little.
But at least at night you don’t feel it.
All you feel then is a freezing cold
because emptiness has an arctic breath.

You are constantly using up your steps
to try and find something that’s been
missing for so long.

What you are looking for is not
a partner or a friend. You are looking
for yourself. Find that person, love
that person and live happily ever after.
No regrets.

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Just checking in

Hello world! I decided to just check in today. I had such a great Saturday because I worked. No I’m not weird, I was just looking for a job for a very long time and I’m so excited about the bar I’ll be waitressing in. Also, today I just want to talk about going for things.

I’ve sent a message to the FB page of this bar months ago and they just responded this week because they haven’t seen the message before. They called me in to have a chat and the next thing I know this morning I was working a 7-hour shift. This just proves that you need to go for something. I was looking for jobs to fall into my lap, applying to jobs dozens of students with more experience applied and I sent this one message to a bar that wasn’t looking for a waitress and it came at the perfect time because I was really getting desperate. My  point it, no matter how scared you are of doing things such like this, just do it. You’ve got nothing to lose. If you want something, just try to get it. And if you fail, try some more.

So this morning my shift started at eight and the first time I had to clean up a table I almost dropped the tray and made a lot of noise. I was so embarrassed because I was already messing up and I wasn’t even working for 10 minutes. I seriously need a job so I had to pull myself together. The rest of the day went perfectly. The girls I work with are fun and chill. The atmosphere is great, the guests are polite and the bar has a beautiful interior design.

Even though my feet and my arms were killing me after arriving home, I felt so fulfilled. Lately I had a feeling like I was just wasting my time on nothing and having a job, no matter how hard it can be to find a balance between a job and my university, really gives me that certain push I need to just keep going, keep working on myself. And also every job is a new experience.

I don’t want to just ramble on here, so I’ll share a picture with you.

This was me on Women’s day showing all kinds of legs at my favorite wine bar. Before seeing this picture I didn’t even realize how short this pants were (yes, I’m wearing pants). But still it was a fun night and I love the picture!

Hope you’re having a wonderful, productive weekend!

Welcome mat

You have been standing on my doorsteps
dripping wet from the rain begging for me
to let you in for hours and it seems as
the rain washed away the little brain you
had in your head because you don’t seem to
understand you’re not coming in, you’re not
crossing that line again.

I miss you. I love you. I made a mistake.
If you say another cliché I will go insane.
I can finally see the lies, the betrayal.
“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her” was
your approach to whatever the hell we had.

Despite everything, all of this tonight is still
my fault. I wasn’t careful enough. Please move
a few steps back while I get a lighter so I can burn
my welcome mat. Do you get the message now?
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Knives juggler

I decided to stand on the streets and
juggle with the knives stabbed in my
back hoping someone will throw me a
dime or stand there long enough to
hear how I’ve earned my scars and how
much blood I’ve lost pulling these blades out.

I made my stitches and they are rough
just like my tongue from all the curses
said at the wind because I wasn’t strong enough
to tell them to people’s faces.

And I wasn’t supposed to tell them.
I was supposed to take the knives they stabbed
in my back and throw them right back.

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